Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and we’ve been married for 10.
We got together quite young – we were both 24 – and always had an amazing sex life.
It was never a problem until recently. In fact, we were pretty smug among the rest of our friends whose marriages broke down and some had affairs.
Over the past year, things have changed. He is never interested in sex and I literally have to twist his arm to do it.
I started to get annoyed about it, so one night I asked him outright why he’s not interested and he said he just doesn’t find me as sexy any more and doesn’t feel as physically attracted to me like he used to.
He’d had a few drinks and I’d asked him to be honest but, even so, I was so hurt and embarrassed and now I don’t want to undress in front of him let alone have sex! By the way, he isn’t the chiselled Adonis he was at 24 either!
I get that we’ve been together a long time and sometimes things need a shake up, but I think he was pretty hurtful that night.
We’ve kind of been avoiding each other since then – we’re both too embarrassed to bring it up, and I think he knows he crossed a line and feels bad. Any ideas?
Coleen says
Ouch, ouch, ouch. He hasn’t sugar coated that one at all. But now he’s been, let’s face it, brutally honest, I think you have to establish whether he wants to work on your relationship. You can’t improve that, or your sex life, on your own.
It sounds like he might have been lashing out after months of building tension and probably regrets it, but that doesn’t make it easier to swallow.
People change over time – physically, mentally and emotionally. When you’ve been together for a while, you do get used to each other’s bodies, but sex isn’t just about being turned on by a body; it’s also about love and commitment, and wanting to connect.
You have to start the conversation again, however awkward, and also acknowledge how hurt you felt.
Then I would suggest taking the emphasis away from sex for a while and focusing on rebuilding the intimacy between you. Go out together, try to enjoy each other’s company and build up to sex gradually.
It might also be worth exploring your feelings with a counsellor, so talk to your husband about that, too.
Counselling isn’t just a vehicle for trying to stay together – it can also help you work out if what you really need to do is call it quits.
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