‘Local gossips down the pub all say my husband’s having an affair’

Dear Coleen

I’ve been married for 45 years to the love of my life and we have four ­children and seven grandchildren.

However, the past five years have been a nightmare because I’ve reason to believe he’s been seeing a woman he used to date years ago. He denies it, but when you’ve been with someone as long as I have, you notice changes.

Our local pub is full of gossips and everyone seems to know something except me. Every time I tell my husband what I’ve heard, he says I’m mad and need help – he even convinced the children I’m crazy.

However, people have talked about him buying a house with this woman and paying for holidays, concert tickets and even a ring. He could have done all this as he’s self-employed and I know little about his finances.

I even heard this woman was ­smuggled out of the pub one Friday night when they saw me coming!

She is also married with two ­children and is 10 years younger than him, so it probably makes him feel great, as he’s 65. But every time I approach him about this, he swears he doesn’t want to leave me. I love him, but I’m at breaking point.

He asks me how he can put things right and I tell him to end it, and I’m sure the local gossips would soon let me know if he did finish with her.

I don’t want to throw away 45 years for a mid-life crisis and he insists that nothing has happened between them.

Coleen says

I’ve been in a very similar situation and it’s hard not to become obsessive about every little thing. If you have something fixed in your mind, then even if he drinks his tea in a different way, it’s a sign. You become someone you don’t recognise.

So if you can, take a deep breath and a step back, and when you’re discussing it with him, stay as calm as you can and explain that if people are telling you this, then you can’t just ignore it.

He can’t just say you’re mad – he needs to prove to you that nothing is actually going on.

The bottom line is, if I thought my 45-year marriage was in trouble because of untrue gossip, then I’d want to set the record straight with those people who are spreading rumours.

And if he really wants to save your marriage, then it’s never too late for relationship therapy where you can discuss how you feel in a controlled environment with someone who’s trained and impartial. It may save your marriage or it might help you to manage a separation.

As painful as it is to think of your marriage ending, you can’t live your life like this, feeling constantly tortured, suspicious and humiliated.

And change pubs – both of you. This isn’t the environment to act out the problems in your marriage.

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Dear Coleen

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