A few days ago, Christopher Eccleston revealed in his forthcoming book that he has been living with anorexia for a long time.
By sharing his story, he has shown that it is just as possible for a man to have an eating disorder as anyone else – that they aren’t exclusive to young, middle-class white girls.
I have lived with anorexia and bulimia for 15 years. When I developed the disorder in my mid-teens I was asked by a doctor: ‘Why do you want to look like that? Guys don’t want to look skinny’.
It was one of the many misconceptions I encountered about eating disorders throughout my illness, even from those who were supposed to help me with this life-threatening problem.
Once, I was told by health professionals that I was gay and hadn’t come to terms with it, or that there must be another mental health diagnosis or another physical problem that would explain it.
I’ve rarely seen another male patient, and have been treated overwhelmingly by female staff – I’ve been given booklets telling me how my periods will stop, and been surrounded by displays of butterflies bearing quotes about how bikini bodies don’t buy happiness.
It can be a very alienating experience but having male celebrities like Christopher speak up raises awareness. In turn, I hope this can end some of the misconceptions around eating disorders in men.
Being able to reach out to others I trust has been a big part of moving forward.
Anorexia isn’t a lifestyle choice that I made in order to look a certain way – it was a coping mechanism in a world I found so threatening that I wanted to shut down my body. And like Christopher, anorexia was never something I ‘wanted’ to have.
For me, a lot of different factors in my life came together to start and maintain a difficult relationship with food. In high school, I struggled to fit in and was extremely anxious about my appearance. This shifted towards controlling my weight.
I didn’t know how to cope with emotions aside from eating – or not eating – in order to numb them.
Later, I withdrew from a place at Cambridge University. I was spending more time maintaining my eating behaviours than studying, spending up to £50 a day on food for bingeing episodes – something that surprises people who might think bulimia is just about ‘eating a bit too much’.
I finally accessed specialist treatment more than six years after I first developed an eating disorder, by which point my behaviours were so entrenched and my whole way of relating to the world was through food, exercise and punishing my body. I hope Christopher’s admission will encourage anyone else who is suffering to seek help.
To date I have had over 30 emergency admissions, where I was patched up physically – but I have not always had the chance to talk about what I was going through.
Being able to reach out to others I trust has been a big part of moving forward. I still struggle with feelings of being alone but it helps me to know that there are others out there going through the same thing.
It’s important to have people to share the journey with in those times. It can help you keep a sense of hope that things will get better, however slowly.
That’s why I was saddened to see Christopher has described himself as a ‘lifelong body hater’. I know from my own experience that recovery is not a linear process – it has ups and downs where some days you feel like you are winning, and others you feel like the future is dark.
But I am hopeful about my future. The start of my recovery was about coming to terms with what I had lost, and realising that another way of living was possible if I had the right support.
It is so important to realise that other people like you exist, to feel seen, heard and understood, and to know that eating disorders do not have to define how – or who – you are.
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