Dear Coleen
I am a woman in my early 40s, I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and we have two children.
I always thought we had a really good relationship and were soulmates and best friends, as well as lovers.
So I was devastated when I learned a few months ago that he’d formed this really close friendship with another woman he’d met through one of the sports clubs our son attends.
She also has a boy of the same age. They got to know each other, chatting at matches and things developed.
I confronted him about it when I found emails from her, sent to his work address, when I borrowed his laptop.
They were very intimate and there were so many of them, but it wasn’t clear if they were having sex.
He denied that anything physical had happened, and I did believe him in the end, but he admitted to flirting and that he’d become close to her and found her very attractive. As you’d imagine, it was like a knife to the heart.
We’re trying to move on and he is making a big effort, but I’m struggling with it, not least because this woman is still around, although I do the football drop-offs now. Can we get back to how we were?
Coleen says
This kind of emotional affair is just as hard to get over as a sexual one. In fact, some women have said to me it’s even more difficult because of the emotional connection, which meant their partner really cared for this other person. It wasn’t just about physical sex.
If you’re still struggling, then talk to him about it – admit how you feel.
Maybe you haven’t really confronted why your marriage was vulnerable to this happening and, as hard as that is, I think you have to do it to really move on from it.
Couples’ psychotherapy could help you with this. An affair – emotional or sexual – is usually a turning point in a relationship for better or worse. It shows you’ve reached a crisis point.
You can move on from it and become even closer than you were, but you might need help to do it.
Try relate.org.uk or search bacp.co.uk (the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy) to find a qualified psychotherapist.
It sounds to me as if you still love each other and the will is there to make it work, so don’t give up before exploring all the options. One of which should probably be an entirely new football team for your son.
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