‘My boyfriend is controlling because his ex was a serial cheater’

Dear Coleen

I’m a woman in my late 20s and I live with my boyfriend. We’ve been seeing each other for two years and we’re in love, but he has huge issues with trust.

It all stems from his last ­relationship – his ex was a serial cheater and he ended things when he found out she’d been sleeping with one of his work colleagues.

It took him ages to get over it as he not only felt heartbroken and betrayed, but he felt humiliated at work and ended up leaving when he was offered another job.

I realise it was awful for him, but I don’t want him to take it out on me.

I’m worried about being five minutes late home from a night out because I know he’ll become anxious and ­interrogate me. Often he’ll go into a sulk or get angry and storm into another room.

I’ve never cheated on him and never would, and I’ve given him no reason to behave like this. I find myself ­organising my entire social life around what he’ll find acceptable.

I’m worried if I don’t tackle it, things will spiral out of control and I don’t want that to happen, as we have a great thing going and all other aspects of our ­relationship work really well. Also, I know he really loves me.

What do you suggest?

Coleen says

First of all, this is his issue to deal with, not yours. It’s incredibly wearing to have to reassure someone constantly and, ultimately, it’s going to drive you away from him because you won’t want to feel controlled. That’s what you have to help him to see.

And I think you have to be firm with him and tell him your relationship is at stake if he doesn’t deal with these trust issues now and stop punishing you for the things his ex did.

You’re not her and you should tell him that you don’t want to be compared to her.

It’s also important to point out that you’re not going to stop seeing your friends and that you’re allowed to be late sometimes!

If he’s finding it hard to control these feelings, then he should think about counselling.

That way, he can get rid of those feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal and humiliation with­ a counsellor, so they’re not directed at you.

You live together – that’s a big commitment. He needs to appreciate that and all the other good things about your relationship that show it’s nothing like the one he had with his ex.

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Dear Coleen

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